Let's start at the very beginning

Oh how I love music, especially songs from "The Sound of Music".  I'm not sure if it's because my voice teacher, MaryAnn Cloud, made me sing several songs from the musical, or I simply am completely drawn to the story and the music every time I watch and hear it.

"Let's start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start...."

Like most babies, I came into the world screaming to the top of my lungs, now for those of you who really know me, you know how loud that must have been.  My poor mama and daddy were probably about to lose their minds the first time they heard that blood curdling scream.  Apparently, it didn't stop once they took me home.  According to my mom, I was a horrible baby, extremely colicky.  She said sometimes the only way to quiet me was to put me on top of the dryer and turn it on.  I cried pretty much all day, but lucky for them, I slept all night.

I don't know at what stage I finally outgrew the colic but at some point I did.  However, very early on I had some very aggressive and unusual behaviors.  Keep in mind, I was born at the end of 1968 and it was before the age of car seats. The first unusual behavior my mom tells me is about riding in a car.  One day she and my grandmother were going somewhere, probably shopping, with me and Mamaw was holding me in the front seat.  I started my screaming and could not be consoled until my mom said, "Mother, just turn her around.  She likes to see where she's been, not where she's going."  I suppose other babies did this too, but they found that very unusual behavior.

At some point, probably early on, I learned the art of manipulation.  When I didn't get my way about things, instead of doing the normal, scream and break them down till they give in, I would simply hold my breath until I would pass out completely.  (Side note:  Probably what's wrong with my brain today.  I cut off oxygen and therefore it didn't develop properly)  Mom said, she would always panic and try to keep me from holding my breath that long.  When she told my pediatrician, he simply told her, "Don't panic.  Just let her do it.  When she starts to fall, don't run and catch and coddle her.  Just lay a pillow where you think her head will land to break the fall."  She did and within a short period of time; I stopped that nonsense. Now, I'm not saying I quit using the art of manipulation, I just found other ways to get what I wanted.

I was also very jealous after my sister was born.  I was a little over 2 years old when she showed up and rocked my perfect world.  Up until that point, I was the princess, actually the Queen Bee, if you want me to be really honest.  I was the first child to my parents, the first grandchild, great grandchild, niece on my moms side of the family.  To say I was doted on and adored, would be an understatement.  So when Kristi showed up, my world got turned on it's axis and went into an uncontrollable downward spiral. (Sadly, this would be an area of real struggle my whole life, if I'm being honest)

Which brings me to the point of writing out my story....to not only help me to realize and evaluate my life and struggles; but also to give me a clearer picture of why I behave and act certain ways. It will challenge me to get real and honest with a lot of raw emotions and hurt.   Also, to allow, you my readers to understand a little bit more about me, my past and why I believe that God is supremely awesome because He picked up the crappy mess I made out of my life and is making it into something beautiful for His glory. 

The Proposal

If memory serves correctly, the closing on the house was on December 7th.  Thanksgiving came and went without a proposal.  Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed.  However, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I was talking my sister on the phone and she asked, "When are you getting married?"  I told her that I was clueless and she asked to talk to Terry.

After a few minutes, Terry handed the phone back to me and she was screaming, "Oh my gosh, you're getting married December 17th!!!"  Stunned and a little confused, I said, "Really?  He hasn't even asked me, but he's already set the date?  Ok!" 

So I get off the phone and Terry says, "Well I had to give her a date because she's coming home from Texas and she wanted to plan her trip around our wedding." 

"Maybe he's not going to ask the old fashioned way and maybe he's not even giving me a ring."  I thought silently.  Oddly, I was ok with that. 

The following weekend was my birthday, but I was already committed for the weekend performances of the Messiah; so any celebrating had to wait. 

On Monday Terry asked if I would go eat with him at Red Lobster.  As we drove to Greenville, our plans for the wedding were coming together (yes still without an official proposal).  We were going to have a small family wedding in the chapel at First Baptist.

We finished our meal and ordered dessert, as we were finishing, Terry moved his right hand across the table and turned his hand over, revealing a diamond ring he was wearing on his pinky finger. Oh the elation and excitement, I thought my heart would pop out of my chest.  Then, he asked, "Will you marry me?"  By now, several other patrons realized what was happening, so of course, all eyes and ears were on me.  "Of course I'll marry you." 

And so it was settled...ring and all...December 17, 1994

House hunting & Ironing out the wrinkles

After meeting Thelma, everything started falling in place.  We started talking more about getting married and what that would look like.  The most important thing for Terry was that we had a house to live in, especially since our current living conditions would not make for a great start to our "new family".  (The boys and I lived with my parents.  Terry lived with Thelma)  Both of us knew that living with our parents along with 2 boys would not work.  So Terry began the house search.  Little did I know that almost every Sunday after lunch, we (Terry, myself, Ryan and Matt) would be riding around looking at houses!  Sometimes it was fun, and other times it wasn't.  Just ask Ryan and Matthew how much they enjoy "house hunting". 

Finally, after much looking and frustration, Terry found a house he wanted to look at but he didn't take me with him the first time.  The funny thing about the house and the whole reason he wanted to go look at the house was because it had no washer and dryer hook-ups.  In other words, curiosity got the best of him.  When he previewed the house with our realtor, the homeowner just happened to be at home.  Strangely enough, the homeowner requested to be present at all showings because they wanted to know who was potentially buying their home.  Of course, Terry knew the homeowners, not only did they own Miller's laundry (hence no washer/dryer hook-ups), but they knew me as well.  As Terry was completing his preview of the home, Mrs. Miller looked at him and asked, "So are you going to marry Kelly?  Is that why you are looking for a house?"

Caught a little off-guard, Terry replied, as only he can, "You never know."  (Oh my gosh, even writing this makes me chuckle, even after all these years.)

During some of our rather long conversations, we both realized we were carrying a lot of baggage from our previous relationships.  Things that he did or said would sometimes just send me over the edge and cause me to fly off the handle. One of the things that irritated me the most was when I was trying to plan something and I would say, "So are you coming or not?"  The response at least 95% of the time would be, "Well I might."   Which means "no" in Terry's vocabulary. It took me months to realize that he was very non-committal especially when it was something he really didn't want to do, and again I realized that he was so dang stubborn that I was not changing his mind.  Believe me, I tried every trick I knew to try to guilt or persuade him to do what I wanted him to do...nothing doin'  his mind was made up and it wasn't changing (guess that's where our kids get their stubborn streak ) Dang it, even the crying didn't phase him. (Revelation:  You can't put Terry on a guilt trip.  It just doesn't work. If anything, it makes him more stubborn and determined)

The problem with him being so non-commital worried me because I kept thinking, "Well, what makes me think he will commit to you and two boys." However, there was something even deeper within my being that told me "This guy is completely trustworthy.  He is faithful and he is committed." 

After another couple of looks at the house and  a few others, Terry opted to make an offer on the Longview house.  His offer was accepted and so now, he had a house.  To this point, marriage had been a prominant subject, but there had still been no proposal, much less a wedding date.  The closing on the house was scheduled to take place on December 7, 1994.

The first fight (Continuation of our story)

To this point, we had hurdled over meeting parents, my boys and Terry were developing a relationship. Things were going well, or so it seemed, until that dreadful day in June. Terry was playing in a golf tournament and then leaving afterwards to go to the beach with his family.

I wasn't really happy that he had planned to play and then leave because I knew that there wouldn't be time to see him. So, I did what I knew how to do best....pitch a fit.  I ranted and screamed and cried hoping he would see it my way.  No such luck, I had met my match when it came to battling of the wills.  He was even more determined than me.

So he played golf and then left for the beach, he did call me before he left, but I was giving him the silent treatment and highly determined not to back off my previous position, besides, I wanted him to know I was still angry.  I knew he was still brewing hot with anger too.

This was back in the day, before the age of cell phones, so I knew we wouldn't talk much while he was away on vacation.  However, by the end of the third day and he hadn't called, I admit, I started to wonder if my irrational behavior had run him off, but the next day he called.  Sadly, I was still very short and cold with my responses but he tried to keep the conversation upbeat and not allow the past to be brought up.

As the week passed on, I was anxiously anticipating his arrival.  When he finally got home, late in the day on Saturday, he came over to see me.  Finally, I was over my silly anger fit, but it wouldn't last long.  By the time he got ready to leave, he informed me that he wouldn't be seeing me the next day, at least not at church, because he was playing golf again.  I stewed. I tried to reign in the donkey, but this time, the donkey was coming at him full force.  (Honestly, he was probably laughing at my idiocy)  Still, I could not change his mind.  He had plans and he was sticking to them, no matter what I did or said.

So, when he left, I was angry and so was he, essentially a week had changed nothing.  Feeling extremely frustated, I decided to give him just enough time to get home and call him.  Fortunately, I calculated his trip home with almost precise accuracy and called at the right time.

Finally, after long silences and more angry words, he said something I will never forget, "I realize at some point, there will come  a day, when I have to give up some of the things I love doing; but now is not the time."  At that point, I realized that he was not only thinking ahead to our future together, but I was the one who was being selfish and unreasonable.