Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Let's start at the very beginning

Oh how I love music, especially songs from "The Sound of Music".  I'm not sure if it's because my voice teacher, MaryAnn Cloud, made me sing several songs from the musical, or I simply am completely drawn to the story and the music every time I watch and hear it.

"Let's start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start...."

Like most babies, I came into the world screaming to the top of my lungs, now for those of you who really know me, you know how loud that must have been.  My poor mama and daddy were probably about to lose their minds the first time they heard that blood curdling scream.  Apparently, it didn't stop once they took me home.  According to my mom, I was a horrible baby, extremely colicky.  She said sometimes the only way to quiet me was to put me on top of the dryer and turn it on.  I cried pretty much all day, but lucky for them, I slept all night.

I don't know at what stage I finally outgrew the colic but at some point I did.  However, very early on I had some very aggressive and unusual behaviors.  Keep in mind, I was born at the end of 1968 and it was before the age of car seats. The first unusual behavior my mom tells me is about riding in a car.  One day she and my grandmother were going somewhere, probably shopping, with me and Mamaw was holding me in the front seat.  I started my screaming and could not be consoled until my mom said, "Mother, just turn her around.  She likes to see where she's been, not where she's going."  I suppose other babies did this too, but they found that very unusual behavior.

At some point, probably early on, I learned the art of manipulation.  When I didn't get my way about things, instead of doing the normal, scream and break them down till they give in, I would simply hold my breath until I would pass out completely.  (Side note:  Probably what's wrong with my brain today.  I cut off oxygen and therefore it didn't develop properly)  Mom said, she would always panic and try to keep me from holding my breath that long.  When she told my pediatrician, he simply told her, "Don't panic.  Just let her do it.  When she starts to fall, don't run and catch and coddle her.  Just lay a pillow where you think her head will land to break the fall."  She did and within a short period of time; I stopped that nonsense. Now, I'm not saying I quit using the art of manipulation, I just found other ways to get what I wanted.

I was also very jealous after my sister was born.  I was a little over 2 years old when she showed up and rocked my perfect world.  Up until that point, I was the princess, actually the Queen Bee, if you want me to be really honest.  I was the first child to my parents, the first grandchild, great grandchild, niece on my moms side of the family.  To say I was doted on and adored, would be an understatement.  So when Kristi showed up, my world got turned on it's axis and went into an uncontrollable downward spiral. (Sadly, this would be an area of real struggle my whole life, if I'm being honest)

Which brings me to the point of writing out my story....to not only help me to realize and evaluate my life and struggles; but also to give me a clearer picture of why I behave and act certain ways. It will challenge me to get real and honest with a lot of raw emotions and hurt.   Also, to allow, you my readers to understand a little bit more about me, my past and why I believe that God is supremely awesome because He picked up the crappy mess I made out of my life and is making it into something beautiful for His glory.