Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Ugly D Word

There is an old saying: "You can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes." Several times over the past few months I've found myself saying this to someone or even myself.

Due to the choices that I have made in life, I have quite a sordid past and I have experienced a lot. Yes, I have a dirty past (go dig it up if you want) In fact, my past is a daily reminder to me of God's grace and mercy, which by the way is new and fresh every day. (Lam 3:22-23) Through my experiences God has blessed me with the opportunity to encourage others, not focusing on the past but focusing on the rich goodness of God.

One of the most challenging and difficult decisions of my life came sometime in the winter of 1992, the writing had been on the wall for many months, if not years, I just didn't want to do it. After seeking wise and Godly counsel, I realized that I really didn't have a choice. This could be the final game changer, it could go either way, but it had to be done. It was up to me to take the next step and trust God for the outcome.

I made the call and set the appointment. I went to the appointment after struggling through prayer all night. I literally lay on the floor the entire evening and begged God to save my marriage. I slept very little but I awoke with great anticipation that he would call me before my appointment and tell me that we would try to work things out. (Guess you can tell I'm a dreamer)

Reluctantly I got in my car and remeber very little of the drive there because I spent the entire 15 minutes begging and pleading with God to interrupt my meeting and not allow this to happen. He didn't. So I proceeded to meet the lawyer, explain the details of our separation and ask him to draw up the paperwork.

During the course of our meeting there were two questions he asked me which I will never forget.

"Is there any chance that he will contest this divorce? What exactly do you deserve from him?"

The answer to the first question was pretty obvious, "No."

The second question for me didn't take much thought either, "All I want is full custody of my boys and support for them. That's all he needs to give me. I don't care about anything else."

Once our meeting was over, I calmly signed the necessary documents and left the office. The drive home, I will never forget. After carrying such a heavy burden for months on end and having spent the majority of the night as well as the time leading up to the appointment in anguish, God in his mercy and love released me. I remember driving down 5th Ave, when suddenly there was an overwhelming sense of peace. The anguish in my heart subsided and if felt as if 100 pounds were lifted off my shoulders.

Now, don't get me wrong on this point. God's word tells us that, "God hates divorce" Mal 2:10, however, due to the hardness of man's heart,(Matt 19:7-8) God permits divorce.

The reason for my story here is two-fold, first to understand that we do not know what burdens or anguish another soul carries unless we are in their situation. Nor can we make assumptions that we know "what we would do" if we were in a their situation.

My second purpose is to encourage those who are going through separation/divorce to let you know that God can use you as much as you will allow. You can do anything He has called you to do(Phil 4:13) and just because you are divorced it doesn't mean he loves you less. Truth is, if you belong to Christ, then we are "God's workmanship". (Eph 2:10)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Tattered and Torn

When Ryan, now 21, was a baby he had a security blanket. At 8 months of age with limited vocabulary skills, he began calling it “draggy”, which was appropriate because he quite literally drug the blanket every where. His attachment to the blanket wasn’t the blanket material, but the edges of the blanket itself; hence the dragging of the blanket. It was almost impossible to pry it from his grip. The only time “draggy” got a bath was when Ryan was sound asleep and we could sneak it from his bed.

From time to time, Ryan would misplace draggy and we would spend hours hunting for him. As soon as we would find draggy, Ryan would hug it tight and squeal with delight, “I love you draggy.”

As time went on, draggy continued with us everywhere, but because he was so well used, he also began to deteriorate, little by little. Thankfully we were able to have draggy repaired. Eventually time would tatter and tear draggy beyond repair. He didn’t care how draggy looked, he only cared that draggy made him feel safe and secure. It didn’t matter how tattered or torn his blanket was, it was his and it belonged to him.

Isn’t that what God desires of us? Oh, how he longs for us to find safety and security in His arms. He loves us so much that it doesn’t matter if we come to him tattered and torn to pieces by our choices, mistakes and failures, all He wants to do is throw His strong gentle arms around us and squeal with delight, “I love you”

Psalm 139: 13- 18 “ For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, Oh God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake, I am still with you.”

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The day that changed my life forever

Thirty-five years ago today my world changed forever. I still remember, it was a crisp spring morning when we drove to school. I was in 1st grade at Penrose Elementary school in Pisgah Forest. My teacher was a sweet, plump red-head named Mrs. Allison. This particular day we were doing our CAT testings (California Achievement Test) and upon the completion of the morning test, we always were allowed to take a long break and go outside.

I was finished with my testing earlier than the allotted time, so I put my head down on the desk and waited quietly until the testing period was over. While waiting, I closed my eyes and began thinking about my family. In my mind I could picture our family, my mom, my sister and brother and me, but for the life of me, I could not picture my dad. His face I could not see, even trying to picture him in his hospital bed, proved futile. He was not there. It was as if his portrait had been totally erased from my mind.

Finally, the testing period was over and the fun was about to begin. We were going outside to play for the next hour. I quickly arose from my seat to get in line when Mrs. Allison looked at me and said, “Kelly, I need you to stay inside with me.” Utterly disappointed, but obediently I sat back down at my desk. When the last child left, Mrs. Allison shut the door behind and said, “Someone will be picking you up in a little while and we need you to go ahead and take the remainder of the CAT test.” The disappointment turned to dismay and I knew something was up without being told.

I finished the second portion of the tests and waited patiently with vivid wild thoughts churning through my mind. “When are they going to tell me? Do they think I’m stupid? I know what’s happening.” Those thoughts were consuming me when Mrs. Allison said, “Your family is here to pick you up, get all your things and I will walk you to the car.”

Overwhelmed with emotion, but maintaining composure (that’s what I do best) I packed my things and walked with Mrs. Allison at my side down the long hallway and outside into parking lot. My Uncle and Aunt were waiting for me and told me to climb into the back seat. As quickly as they got into the car, I spouted, “Why did you pick me up? What’s going on?”

“Honey, we will let your mom tell you when we get you home.” My uncle said. “Really? You can’t be serious, can you? Come on, just tell me what I already know.” were the frustrating thoughts crowding my mind. Silence, dead silence the whole ride from school to my house. Good thing the ride only took 8 minutes, I couldn’t tolerate much more of this pin drop silence, it was freakish.

Finally home, I raced into the house to find my mom. There were people all over the house, probably every square inch was covered, but I needed to find my mom. She was upstairs in the bedroom sitting on the floor, playing with my brother, who was 9 months old at the time. She looked up and with tears streaming down her face said, “Honey, your daddy went to be with Jesus today.”
“ I knew it but no one would tell me,” I responded.
“ That’s because I wanted to tell you myself.” she replied

The pent up anger and frustration rested heavily on my heart for the next few hours, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t cry. I flat refused to cry. The more I contained my emotions, the more angry I became. Oh I had a few breakdowns along the way, but I managed to quickly subdue them. I was angry, angry at my dad for dying, angry at the vicious cancer that consumed his whole being, even the point of paralysis for 7 weeks prior to his death, but most angry at God (Finally I said it) for taking my dad away from me. (It took years for this anger to subside) I was suppose to be the strong one because I was the oldest and understood the most. I was suppose to take on the role my dad left behind and help my mom take care of my sister and brother. I simply didn’t have time to deal with, nor let anyone see, how emotionally wounded I felt.

Looking back 35 years ago at the little 7 year old girl, I realize that she has been molded and shaped by the events that happened on April 5, 1976. She will never be the same little girl she was before that time, but she will always be the little girl who loves and misses her daddy.