The day that changed my life forever

Thirty-five years ago today my world changed forever. I still remember, it was a crisp spring morning when we drove to school. I was in 1st grade at Penrose Elementary school in Pisgah Forest. My teacher was a sweet, plump red-head named Mrs. Allison. This particular day we were doing our CAT testings (California Achievement Test) and upon the completion of the morning test, we always were allowed to take a long break and go outside.

I was finished with my testing earlier than the allotted time, so I put my head down on the desk and waited quietly until the testing period was over. While waiting, I closed my eyes and began thinking about my family. In my mind I could picture our family, my mom, my sister and brother and me, but for the life of me, I could not picture my dad. His face I could not see, even trying to picture him in his hospital bed, proved futile. He was not there. It was as if his portrait had been totally erased from my mind.

Finally, the testing period was over and the fun was about to begin. We were going outside to play for the next hour. I quickly arose from my seat to get in line when Mrs. Allison looked at me and said, “Kelly, I need you to stay inside with me.” Utterly disappointed, but obediently I sat back down at my desk. When the last child left, Mrs. Allison shut the door behind and said, “Someone will be picking you up in a little while and we need you to go ahead and take the remainder of the CAT test.” The disappointment turned to dismay and I knew something was up without being told.

I finished the second portion of the tests and waited patiently with vivid wild thoughts churning through my mind. “When are they going to tell me? Do they think I’m stupid? I know what’s happening.” Those thoughts were consuming me when Mrs. Allison said, “Your family is here to pick you up, get all your things and I will walk you to the car.”

Overwhelmed with emotion, but maintaining composure (that’s what I do best) I packed my things and walked with Mrs. Allison at my side down the long hallway and outside into parking lot. My Uncle and Aunt were waiting for me and told me to climb into the back seat. As quickly as they got into the car, I spouted, “Why did you pick me up? What’s going on?”

“Honey, we will let your mom tell you when we get you home.” My uncle said. “Really? You can’t be serious, can you? Come on, just tell me what I already know.” were the frustrating thoughts crowding my mind. Silence, dead silence the whole ride from school to my house. Good thing the ride only took 8 minutes, I couldn’t tolerate much more of this pin drop silence, it was freakish.

Finally home, I raced into the house to find my mom. There were people all over the house, probably every square inch was covered, but I needed to find my mom. She was upstairs in the bedroom sitting on the floor, playing with my brother, who was 9 months old at the time. She looked up and with tears streaming down her face said, “Honey, your daddy went to be with Jesus today.”
“ I knew it but no one would tell me,” I responded.
“ That’s because I wanted to tell you myself.” she replied

The pent up anger and frustration rested heavily on my heart for the next few hours, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t cry. I flat refused to cry. The more I contained my emotions, the more angry I became. Oh I had a few breakdowns along the way, but I managed to quickly subdue them. I was angry, angry at my dad for dying, angry at the vicious cancer that consumed his whole being, even the point of paralysis for 7 weeks prior to his death, but most angry at God (Finally I said it) for taking my dad away from me. (It took years for this anger to subside) I was suppose to be the strong one because I was the oldest and understood the most. I was suppose to take on the role my dad left behind and help my mom take care of my sister and brother. I simply didn’t have time to deal with, nor let anyone see, how emotionally wounded I felt.

Looking back 35 years ago at the little 7 year old girl, I realize that she has been molded and shaped by the events that happened on April 5, 1976. She will never be the same little girl she was before that time, but she will always be the little girl who loves and misses her daddy.